My favorite part in the whole novel is actually right at the part you are on now where Jude is skimming through the textbooks he received and feels himself incapable of mastering the material. Taking moments like these to put my thoughts into words, even if they do not paint the whole of the picture that is my Jackson Pollock of feelings, it is the effort from which I derive comfort.
What you need to do is just make lots of friends, and some of them will be closeted gays.
Then, we noticed a random stink bug walking across the floor, it came up to my boot, and I tried to get it to crawl on my finger so I could let it out, but it just stopped and ignored me… we talked then about the fake plants in front of the office, and that they were annoying and dumb, and that the bug would die probably since it had no food around the conversation was just something to talk about, while I tried to calm my thumping heart and just remain focused about not losing Shane in conversation, and trying not to close it out until I finally had the courage and timing to tell him.
But, little by little, I began becoming more social; now, I can speak with relative ease in small groups and when it really matters even larger crowds. You might be lonely and depressed about your sexuality, but please wait.